All Quilters are (created) Equal

Fast and Easy…that’s how this blog is gonna go. If you have any complaints about that, you probably never get laid. Or you probably have an MBA.

HIGHLIGHT:

Assumed quilter woman drinking Glenlivet straight dressed in a Bon Jovi “Lost Highway” T-shirt…I honestly have no idea if this is a new album or an old one. You could probably Google it.

LOWLIGHT:

The personal attack I took for my place of business not being the former place of business it was before new ownership of building. I take all responsibility. I didn’t deserve a tip, I know. How dare I brightly make menu suggestions and diligently provide good service after staggering hostility in order to make sure your experience at THIS restaurant is a good one?! I know Reubens are IMPOSSIBLE to find in any other town in America. Thank you for kindly pointing out that our delicious smoked gouda BLT “Isn’t exactly a Reuben, now is it?”.  Tomorrow I will kindly ask at the door which place of business you would like me to magic the building into so you don’t have to make difficult decisions like “Do we eat here, somewhere different or somewhere which no longer exists?”.

Quiltistics

Day 1 in Numbers: how many times I (and my fellow staff) endured the following…

• “We’ll wait to order till Lois gets here” (2)
• a “Here’s to Winners” toast  (1)
• a Kenny Chesney song reference (3)
• “We’ll take a group shot when Lois gets here” (3)
• A request for something “fruity and fun” to drink (7)
• The palpable Curel lotion unscented lotion scent (all)
• A clear attempt at flirting with gay male staff by 60-year old woman (4)
• Ear-piercing scrape of metal on curb (19)
• Quilt Man sitings in uniform (1)
• Quilt Man sitings in plain clothes (33)
• A request for a ladder to climb the flood walls (1) (Sally Carter specifically. Luv)
• Inquiries as to whether we have sandwiches on our menu (22 1/3)
• Number of “Welcome Quilters” buttons we were asked to wear (1 each)
• Number of “Welcome Quilters” buttons I chose to wear (13)
• Number of words I change into terrible quilt cliche’s (so far innumerable)

Fanny Pack count remains above 50%. Wrong way tally is relatively low and finally, male to female ratio seems higher this year? Am I right? Are they flood guides or what?

The Show Must Go On

There are at least 7 giant Quilt Show fails that have occurred over the past two years that I could make entire entries over for the 7 non-Paducah residents who are reading this blog. But since I don’t really care, nor does any other Paducah-resident-non-quilter care to read, I’ll just summarize with half-truths.

The City of Paducah sold the shitty hotel and convention center where the show was held for 47 years to a terrorist. He shittied it up more by never renovating properly, or maybe at all, so then we had to blow up the hotel. Then the quilt show was all like “Hey we’re not gonna come to Paducah anymore because ya’ll are stupid and now we don’t have anywhere to put the quilts” so Paducah officials freak over losing precious 10% quilter tips and inflate a giant tent dome in order to uh…have somewhere to have the quilts? Seriously though, we have a $2 million TENT now.

So this is already taking too long and I haven’t even told how PADUCAH FLOODED CIRCA TWO DAYS AGO and wouldn’t you know that quilt dome is on the WRONG SIDE OF THE FLOOD WALLS (which yes, are in place) so now the goddamn show has been strewn about from an Office Max building by the mall to like Ohio.  CAT-TAS-TROPHE!

So the point I never wanted to make in this entry is that Quilt Week ’11 is WACK. Not only are many of the quilters convinced they are going to die, the poor old regular folk of surrounding counties really might die. Or they at least can’t get to work. Because most people are not the Suhrheinrichs and do not have canoes.

You fancy, huh?

Just to prove this site isn’t a complete fanny-pack-old-lady-bash, I would like to report one of my very favorite quilt encounters of the past. About 3-8 years ago I was chatting about on my cell phone whilst pacing the central hub of the downtown Paducah parking lot when I was interrupted by the man pictured below…

Jody: “No. Yes. No, I told him that. No. Yes!”

Man: “‘Scuse me, Miss?”

J: Quick assessment of rape to robbery probability is low “Yessir?”

M: ‘Can you tell me where I can buy a quilt around here?’

J: “Heh. Well pretty much anywh–”

M: (interrupts) ‘I mean like a real nice one. You know? Maybe with cats on it?’

J: Blank is-this-really-real-?-stare. “Kitties? KITTY CATS, of course! I love those things.” Wide grin.

M: “Yeah, like a fancy one, that I could hang on m’wall?”

J: “Hrrrm. Well if anyone was gonna have a kitty cat quilt it would be that store over there…or you can maybe ask real quilters at the museum?” Points to each location. 

M: “Oh ok, so you think that store has Kentucky quilts?”

Jody: “What?”

Man: “Wildcat quilts! My mama loves UK basketball!”

Jody: (totally dejected) “Oh. Probably nowhere. Bye.”

And when I tell you this blog will be a fair and balanced representation of quilting and the people who love quilts, I DO NOT mean that I will NOT be including my LOVE for kitties and my HATRED for UK Basketball!!

Here is the quilt you should have purchased, sir. SIR! I SAY GOOD DAY!!